Where to Turn

I often dream of a life filled with creativity. A life where I am capturing moments, making a home cozy and comfortable, growing food and beautiful flowers, making delicious meals for my family and community, and most important- being present with my kids. Giving back in ways that are more intentional and meaningful.

That life feels fulfilling. That life feels like purpose.

Sometimes I feel a little frustration with myself because of how I dream. It makes it harder for me to accept my present state, and while I try my best to practice gratitude and do genuinely feel thankful for all that I have and all that I get to do daily, there is a continual sense of emptiness.

Things have been going well at work, I am doing creative things aligned with marketing and exploring the business side of the company I work for. Things I would have been so excited about just a year ago. As things have gotten busier and busier I have felt like I have lost track of everything that matters most to me. I come home still reeling from my day, going over the things I finished and the never ending to do list I’ll have for the rest of the week. As my mind runs I am also trying my best to make space for my kids who need me and are so excited to welcome me home. They bring me peace but our time is continually interrupted with distraction.

It is bizarre to live wanting to create so badly yet never finding the time for it. I have wondered if that is really what I want to be doing with my time or if it is more of a state of dreaming that I have gotten comfortable with. I have wondered if I am on the right track in feeding myself these desires or if it is a way to keep myself feeling stuck. Human nature is a strange thing, and I learned long ago that we can become complacent in even the worst situations. That out of fear of the unknown human instincts will often choose the path that is known even if it is not the true desires of our heart.

In this chapter of my life I have come to realize how important health is. While I have read about holistic health for years, and have great interest in movement, nutrition, and general practices that help us be and feel better, I am experiencing how important it is. See, without health what do we have?

As a person who wants to create but also has a full time job, two little boys, cares about helping family, and attempts to have a social life, it is difficult to make all the things happen. For example, movement is always a top priority for me. I tend to feel better when I am in motion or doing some version of laborious work. So getting in a workout helps me feel less foggy, more awake, and clears my mind. Trying to figure out how to fit movement into my day when my sleep schedule is all over the place has been tough.

There are so many voices that want to scream their thoughts on parenting and the right way to do things. The more I trudge trough my days the more I come back to a core concept I wrestled with since becoming a mother which is, what in this life actually matters? Is it worth loosing sleep to try to force my 3 year old into his bed or do I just let him sleep with me? Am I ruining his life or building terrible habits? Well when you’re so tired at some point those aren’t the things to be worrying about anymore.

On one hand I could force myself up very early, getting it in during the peace of the morning on little sleep, or I could put it off to the afternoon when I am home from work. I think there are pros and cons to both. I often feel the pressure of activities I wish I was partaking in and when I don’t fit something in the early hours of the morning I already feel behind. I want to have healthy cooked meals for me and the boys, something that I know largely impacts health, both mental and physical, and I enjoy cooking. Another beautiful outlet for me, that now often results in added stress and decision fatigue.

All I think to myself over and over again is…it isn’t supposed to be this way.

I am understanding more and more that life can’t always have straight consistencies. That movement and heathy meals and creativity can be consistent throughout life but it may look very different in different seasons. While I may dream of things looking one way there is no reason I can’t welcome that dream into my life right now with slight variations. Grace can be a difficult thing when you air on the side of perfection.

Although I know perfection is not in existence within a human, it can be wild how hard we push towards it. I am trying to give myself the grace I would want my kids to give themselves, or my sister and other friends who are parents. That movement for the sake of the body and mind is more important than vanity metrics and it doesn’t matter when it gets done as long as it is getting done often enough to be impactful. That cooked meals are a wonderful addition, and large meals cooked a few times a week are even better so they can be eaten off of more than once. Doing anything creative whenever I can, whether alone, with the boys, or with friends is better than leaving that piece of me behind.

All these things that I know but wrestle with often because they don’t fit the story I have told myself. These things I want but don’t allow because I tell myself I am falling short from the exact plan that I have laid out again and again.

In order to remember what creating does for me I have to be willing to give myself the time to create. Whether it be little bits throughout the day or if I am lucky enough to find an hour to paint on a canvas, I have to take it.

Learning how to prioritize things that matter to me has been the most difficult thing in this season of life. Figuring out how much creativity I need to stay full and how to prioritize my faith in the chaos of life and parenting. I don’t want to live feeling like I am not proud. I also have to remember that being proud isn’t always about doing - it’s much more about saying yes to the things that move me and no to the things that take too much.

I know there is much to be offered in this life. There is grace, love, joy, and abundance available to us all. Though hardship, confusion, and frustration are inevitable parts of life to be experienced, all will be used for good in the end.

I haven’t figured it out just yet, but I am aware of what I need and I am exhausting all options. I will write, I will film, I will capture, I will laugh, I will love, and I will heal.

XO,

Jaz